I realize it's been awhile since I've blogged. I'd really like to get back into it, and I've spent some time thinking about why I haven't blogged and why I'd like to do so. I really enjoy writing; getting my thoughts out is cathartic, and I appreciate the small community of people who read my blog. I do like adding pictures too, but it takes so much more time that I rarely get around to it.
On the flip side, it's hard to write when I have a big thing that must be kept private. In my case, my mom was quite ill with cancer for a year and a half. She swore us to secrecy when she was diagnosed. I told a few friends at work/in the area, but it even took me awhile to tell my high school friends. My mom didn't enjoy having her "dirt laundry" aired in public.
She passed away last summer. We are fairly sure she had the same cancer that killed my grandmother and my great-grandmother, so I've already been screened once and will be sure to be extra vigilant about screening as I age.
It was hard to deal with pretty much everything throughout this. I think I shut down a lot to keep from emoting all over the place. Some days are still hard. Even when you know something is coming, it is a challenge to prepare oneself for such a great loss as the loss of a mother. The person who grew me is no longer here to watch me grow.
The other thing that makes me hesitate when blogging is the privacy of my kids. I do enjoy writing about my family, and I am trying to remember these fleeting moments of young childhood. They seem to stretch before me right now in a chain of never enough sleep and always more to do than time, but I know this will go fast. In my own life, each year means that my young years become a smaller portion of my life and of my interactions with my family. So, I'd like to remember, but I also don't want to write memories that later become an embarrassment or fodder for harassment for my children.
I'll feel things out as I go. I hope I can blog more; I think of cool blog posts all the time. We'll see how it goes.