I've been depressed. I am depressed. I am struggling with depression.
There, I said it. I think I have been avoiding blogging because this one little fact is an overwhelming part of many days for me. The difficulties and "blue moods" wax and wane, and they sometimes hit at the most inconvenient times. Sometimes, my body hurts. Other times, my brain aches, or my thoughts are completely unwelcome.
This is not entirely unusual. I normally have some sort of blue period in the darker months of the year. Going for walks in the light helps, certainly, but sometime it isn't enough. This year, wedding excitement and happiness managed to stave off the feelings for quite awhile. I made it until mid-January on a euphoric residual high of concentrated love from all the wonderful people who came together to support our union. But then the cycle continued.
I have found that my moods are worse when there is some sort of uncertainty or anxiety about my life. And student teaching (and looking for teaching jobs for next year) has brought those feelings out in force. I do love teaching, and I am excited for finishing my license. But there is a level of anxiety that comes in knowing it is someone else's classroom. I'm not just trying to be a good teacher for my students. I am also trying to be a good teacher for my teacher: to anticipate what they want, to plan stellar lessons, and to be as perfect as possible. My license hinges on this one semester experience, and I desperately do not want to mess this up.
I have been working on small things that I know help with my depression. Taking photos is excellent (though I'm still stuck on the sharing them part, which is also key). Helping other people is an excellent way to make me feel better, and nesting/organizing can also lift the doldrums. The unfortunate part of all these is that they are so much harder to do when my daily life is sometimes a struggle. Don't get me wrong: I wake up each morning. I go to work, and I do my work. There are no meltdowns in public or dramatic scenes. So much of what people have written about depression does not resonate with me. But then I read about struggles with self-confidence, anxiety, worries, and a startling inability to do anything beyond the bare minimum, and I realize that my own issues just manifest in a different way.
I really want to be here, writing about my daily life again. I want to share pictures and little stories with everyone. I certainly enjoy reading other folks' blogs and would love to comment on some of their posts from time to time. Outside of these pages, I am working on scrapbooking my 2006 trip to New Zealand (finally!) and am almost done. It is a start. But I love to share my life and know that someone, out there, really does care.
I am not pursuing any medical treatment at the moment. I have done lots of reading on the subject, and I just do not think it's the right solution for me. In general, I don't respond well to most drugs. Painkillers (other than the OTC variety) are no bueno, and my one attempt at taking a muscle relaxant was downright unpleasant. Therapy has worked well in the past, and I just wish I had an insurance plan that was more understanding of mental issues.
Instead, I am working on taking each day, one at a time. I am working on techniques I have learned in past therapy sessions. I lean on Matt -- perhaps a little too much. But I wanted to let everyone out there know. I am here, and I am okay. Just working on working things out. But I will try to be here more. As the light returns to this part of the world, I also think my life is starting to lighten. But, for now, I'll just take it one day at a time and let this post speak. And maybe a few more, as I have a build up of stories I would love to share.