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Want to be working girl

There's a job fair today, and I am a little bit nervous. I'm never quite sure what to do at job fairs other than chat folks up, and I imagine this job fair will be plenty busy with lots of folks trying to do just that.

This is the downside to finishing school: I must now be an adult and get a job. I am really looking forward to actually having a job, but I don't think I am alone in dreading the job search portion of the process.

The worst part might possibly be developing an elevator pitch, where-in I must show that I am excited but not too excited, prepared, poised, and exactly what they want all in just a few seconds.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, folks. I imagine this is just the start of a long slog.

Reading

One of the saddest things about teaching is telling my students to put their book away. I'll be in the middle of giving directions for lab or correcting yesterday's homework. I look up and realize that at least one student is diligently reading The Hunger Games, a graphic novel, Harry Potter, or some other book.

My response? "Student, I LOVE reading too. But now is not the time, so please put your book away."

I do this on a daily basis in several hours, and it is a chronic problem with a few students in particular. Our middle school does an amazing job of getting students interested in reading. All students have a book every day for independent reading, and the librarians take time to find an interesting book for the kids when they are done with their current read.

Still. It's time for science.

Our yard

Just two shots of some of the lovely tulips coming up in our yard. I'll try to snap more pics soon. Matt and I both love tulips, and this is the second year our bulbs have given us a gorgeous spring show. I need to remember to plant some seeds so we can enjoy flowers this summer as well.

More teacher clothes

I've got two more outfits to share with you. I would like to set up a better system for taking pictures of my teacher clothes. However, I leave for work before Matt gets up, and I get home before him and usually change right into more casual clothes to keep my teacher clothes clean. Here are two things I managed to snap a pic of. I am wearing the sweater dress again today with the new pair of Danskos I got today. The Danskos are sort of a Mary Jane style, and I am hoping they won't be too clunky with skirts. I have a normal pair of Dansko clogs, and I find them really comfortable for all the walking I do.

The following outfit was something I put together for "Where's Waldo?" day at school. Faculty and seniors had to wear red and white while all the other students wore black. I didn't have a striped shirt, so this was my compromise. And, yes, that is our front porch. Our house is in desperate need of a fresh coat of paint.

More adult accomplishments

I am still grooving on the blog adulting. Recent adult-like achievements:

• telling someone "no, thanks." I know a few folks who do affiliate-sales type stuff. I have nothing against them nor their products, but we just don't have the room/money for any more stuff right now. We're still finding spots for wedding gifts, and we are saving money for our Hawai'i honeymoon in June. It was a big thing for me to send an email back to an acquaintance to thank her for asking us over while also letting her know we weren't interested at the moment.
• Continuing to pack my lunch every night so that it is ready to go in the morning. This gives me a little shot of happiness every single morning.
• Truly engaging with my emotions. Perhaps this feels juvenile, but I think it is good to acknowledge how I am feeling. I know that I'm an external processor, and I feel best when I share my mindframe. I have already been feeling better this week.
• Turning in job applications before the day they're due. I'm not too many days in advance yet, but I am slowly working on getting applications done when I hear about them and not when I have to get my resume in.

Chia breakfast

Yes, chia, as in ch-ch-ch-chia! I have discovered the tastiness of chia seeds, and I have been eating them in this breakfast. They are nice and a little gooey. Chia seeds remind me of little tiny tapioca pearls.

Supposedly, they also have some health benefits via good fats and all that jazz. Right now, I'm just happy that they provide a yummy, filling breakfast that doesn't leave me hungry before lunch. Hungry and teaching is not a good combination.

My back

So, about that back injury I referenced yesterday. My back has bothered me off and on for years. In 1999, I got into a horse-back riding accident and wasn't treated for two years. I started running my senior year of high school (2000/2001), and the injuries manifested quickly. A little physical therapy, and my issue was solved. Then, I re-injured my back in 2008 while running and being all together too busy with too little care taken to strengthen my core. More PT, and I was good for quite awhile.

Recently, I've been running again. I like running, and it's good exercise. I was hoping to run a 5k in late April. My back had been hurting a little bit, but I was stretching a lot and trying to do some PT exercises when I had time. Then, over spring break, I pulled a muscle in my back while giving a piggy-back ride to the little gal I babysit. And then I made the mistake of running. I figured an upper back strain couldn't possibly affect my running. Ouch.

I spent a few days on the couch getting cozy with an icepack, and I have been doing stretching every night since. I am also trying to do my PT exercises, but the depression (or general laziness?) is fighting with me. I've been doing my exercises 2 or 3 times a week, which is alright.

Anyway, I am finally feeling better and easing back into the exercise. Swimming first, and I will add in yoga when I get a little quality time with my wii fit.

And that is my entirely non-humorous, life-recording and oh-so-thrilling tale of my back. Young folks, be ye not so foolish. Do not neglect the core strengthening exercises.

In the pool

I had a funny thought while swimming the other day: I am traveling at less than 1 mph. On Monday evening, I got out and swam laps for the first time in awhile*. At our pool, 35 labs constitutes a mile. I managed 20 laps in the ~45 minutes worth of swimming I did. Of course, part of that time was stretching. Due to my back injury, as referenced below, I have to stretch a lot. So I stretched out after every 5 laps.

Still, I was traveling less than 1 mph. And it was still great exercise.

* I was distracted, first by running, and then by a back injury. Swimming is helping me ease back into the exercise.

Looking toward the light

I've been depressed. I am depressed. I am struggling with depression.

There, I said it. I think I have been avoiding blogging because this one little fact is an overwhelming part of many days for me. The difficulties and "blue moods" wax and wane, and they sometimes hit at the most inconvenient times. Sometimes, my body hurts. Other times, my brain aches, or my thoughts are completely unwelcome.

This is not entirely unusual. I normally have some sort of blue period in the darker months of the year. Going for walks in the light helps, certainly, but sometime it isn't enough. This year, wedding excitement and happiness managed to stave off the feelings for quite awhile. I made it until mid-January on a euphoric residual high of concentrated love from all the wonderful people who came together to support our union. But then the cycle continued.

I have found that my moods are worse when there is some sort of uncertainty or anxiety about my life. And student teaching (and looking for teaching jobs for next year) has brought those feelings out in force. I do love teaching, and I am excited for finishing my license. But there is a level of anxiety that comes in knowing it is someone else's classroom. I'm not just trying to be a good teacher for my students. I am also trying to be a good teacher for my teacher: to anticipate what they want, to plan stellar lessons, and to be as perfect as possible. My license hinges on this one semester experience, and I desperately do not want to mess this up.

I have been working on small things that I know help with my depression. Taking photos is excellent (though I'm still stuck on the sharing them part, which is also key). Helping other people is an excellent way to make me feel better, and nesting/organizing can also lift the doldrums. The unfortunate part of all these is that they are so much harder to do when my daily life is sometimes a struggle. Don't get me wrong: I wake up each morning. I go to work, and I do my work. There are no meltdowns in public or dramatic scenes. So much of what people have written about depression does not resonate with me. But then I read about struggles with self-confidence, anxiety, worries, and a startling inability to do anything beyond the bare minimum, and I realize that my own issues just manifest in a different way.

I really want to be here, writing about my daily life again. I want to share pictures and little stories with everyone. I certainly enjoy reading other folks' blogs and would love to comment on some of their posts from time to time. Outside of these pages, I am working on scrapbooking my 2006 trip to New Zealand (finally!) and am almost done. It is a start. But I love to share my life and know that someone, out there, really does care.

I am not pursuing any medical treatment at the moment. I have done lots of reading on the subject, and I just do not think it's the right solution for me. In general, I don't respond well to most drugs. Painkillers (other than the OTC variety) are no bueno, and my one attempt at taking a muscle relaxant was downright unpleasant. Therapy has worked well in the past, and I just wish I had an insurance plan that was more understanding of mental issues.

Instead, I am working on taking each day, one at a time. I am working on techniques I have learned in past therapy sessions. I lean on Matt -- perhaps a little too much. But I wanted to let everyone out there know. I am here, and I am okay. Just working on working things out. But I will try to be here more. As the light returns to this part of the world, I also think my life is starting to lighten. But, for now, I'll just take it one day at a time and let this post speak. And maybe a few more, as I have a build up of stories I would love to share.