As always, I have so much to share and not enough time to do it. Not enough mindspace either. I am working on being more in the present moment, more mindful, and more here. I've written many times on this blog about wanting to declutter, to purge the excess that occupies so much of my time. I feel like I continually struggle with wanting to keep things but also wanting to not be burdened by possessions. I know the things I want to focus on in life: my photography, my relationships, and the outdoors. Reading good books and enjoying good music. Other things are proving to be more of a hindrance than a help.
Once again, I am in southern Washington staying with my parents. Like I've done on every visit since they moved, I am looking through boxes of things from my old room. I emptied two boxes this past week through a combination of goodwill and the recycling/garbage. I even found it okay to let go of old photographs.
I have gotten to the point where letting go of things is not simple. It is no longer a matter of what I do and don't use; it is now a matter of what I realistically will and will not use. There are only so many hours and so many days. Do I save old report cards? Or maybe just one or two? What about old lab notebooks, homework assignments, or poetry (I wrote a LOT of bad poetry)? There's a part of me that wants to save things for posterity. But posterity can be a lot of boxes, and that limits my freedom to move, to explore, and to experience the new. I am thinking, more and more, that it really is okay to just let it go. Recycling most of my old poetry, and just keeping a few pieces I enjoy, is okay. I am not any less of a person, nor did I do or experience any less, for not having proof of every single thing I have done.
I read recently, somewhere on Get Rich Slowly that your priorities are not whatever you deem them to be. They are what you actually do. In my head, writing and photography are priorities. My blog is a priority. But in practice, as you all know full well, this blog has not been a recent priority. I don't like that. But I know I have so many distractions.
What this all boils down to, for me, is the struggle to open up and become fully myself. To let go of all the other potential paths is difficult. But too many options and branches are also stifling.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anais Nin
Right now, I am reaching out for the strength to know what is blossoming and what in my life acts as the bud scale. The bud scale may protect the new growth, but it can also hinder growth if I do not let it fall off.