Sharing my Guilt

I am feeling guilty today. I am guilty because I am so damn lucky, and I wish the same could be said for every single person in our nation.

Right now, I am blessed to have a fabulous, supportive, amazing boyfriend. He brings me lunch at work when I sleep in, runs errands with me, and listens to the perpetual stream of words that come out of mouth thanks to my habit of processing damn near everything externally. And I can appreciate my boyfriend precisely because I have not always had good boyfriends, but I learned from those poor relationships and from friends, other relationships, and therapy that showed me what a good boyfriend should be. And perhaps most fabulously of all, I am blessed that if I someday choose to marry this man I am dating, I know that I will be able to do so in all 50 states in this nation, and no one will ever question my decision nor refuse to honor my choice.

I am blessed to have a good, strong upbringing. My parents taught me how to be fiscally responsible; I know how to budget and when to tighten my purse strings to make it between paychecks. Furthermore, even though I know how to live within my means, I don’t necessarily have to; my parents also taught me to put away as much as I can in the flush times in order to make it through the lean times. They also taught me how to educate myself about everything in order to always make a well-informed decision.

I am blessed to have healthcare. This is a direct consequence of my fabulous parents and how they taught me. Right now, I spend almost a quarter of my monthly paycheck on health insurance. Yes, a full 25%. It does help that I don’t have to pay rent right now, as housing is included in my internship. But I currently make $190 a week before taxes, and I find the room to pay $120 a month on my health insurance. It’s not fun, but it is a necessary expense, and I am fortunate that I can make room for it.

I am blessed to be physically healthy. I know the value of physical activity, and I use physical activity to help me feel better. It gets me through blue times and gives me extra energy.

I am blessed to be mentally healthy. A year and a half in therapy taught me to listen to my own feelings and prioritize my needs over the needs of others. This doesn’t mean that I am selfish to the exclusion of the people in my life; it does mean that I now know that I am better equipped to help other people if I first help myself. I no longer feel like I can’t get out of bed in the morning.

I am blessed to be surrounded by beautiful nature. At my job, every single day, I get to smell clean air and walk amongst prairie grass and trees. I see wildlife on a regular basis; it is a rare day where I don’t spot at least one whitetail deer, and I can’t even imagine having a day at work where I don’t see a bird. And who amongst us can say the same? I also get to help kids experience these joys, and sometimes I get to facilitate time for children to just play out in the woods. As sprawl encroaches on our natural lands, I worry that too many kids will not experience the joy of finding millipedes as they roll a log or sitting patiently on a dock until a painted turtle climbs up onto a log to sun.

Where does feeling guilty factor into all of this? I feel guilty because not everyone was fortunate enough to have the background I did. There are many people out there who cannot escape their abusive relationships or don’t even recognize their relationship as such; emotional abuse is a terrible act that is difficult to recognize. There are a great many people who are in debt and cannot see their way out, even if they have jobs and a means to eventually work out of debt; you need more than an income to help you move ahead in this world. There are people who don’t get enough food, who don’t have a roof over their head, and who don’t have access to medical care. And all these people suffer.

I’ve spent the last half hour reading and crying. Specifically, I’ve been reading the blogs of women who had late term abortions for the health of the mother, and these women have posted their reactions to McCain’s comments in the most recent debate. For those interested, I suggest a letter to John McCain at Upper Case Woman, As Apple Fucking Pie at the same blog, and Why No One With a Uterus Should Vote for John McCain at A Little Pregnant. I can’t even believe the choices these women had to make, and I pray that I continue to be blessed and never find myself in the same spot.

I’m not just a one issue voter here. There are more things that are important to me. I want teens to have comprehensive life education; in addition to fully comprehensive sex education, there should also be relationship education. It’s very simple to know that you should leave a boyfriend who hits you. It’s much, much, much more difficult to leave a boyfriend that threatens to kill himself because you spend more time than he’d like you to spend with your guy friends. Math classes should include budgeting and “life skills” math (a lame name for an important concept). Everyone should have access to comprehensive, preventative health care and illness treatment. Everyone should also have safe parks and trails where they can experience nature, meet their neighbors, and get exercise. Everyone should be able to have their committed, monogamous relationship legally recognized and respected.

Call me a socialist or a dirty liberal. But what I know is this: those of us in this nation who feel healthy, safe, and well-loved are lucky people indeed. And if there is more that each of us can do to help others feel the same way, we are ethically obligated to do so. This extends far beyond the vote you cast this November. This is an approach to life, to the regulations we ask all our legislators to enact, and how we spend each dollar. Live as you want the world to be, and we will all be in a better place.