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Sleep

I've been really busy lately. As such, I haven't had much time for enjoyable activities such as sleeping in. Typically, I get one or two days a week where I can sleep until 10 am and recoup some lost sleep from other nights. Due to physical therapy appointments and volunteering at the ultimate tournament this weekend, I've been waking up quite early. Somehow, I still haven't gotten the hang of going to bed early enough to get a decent amount of sleep. But last night, I may have overcompensated by heading to bed at 7 pm.

It wasn't quite intentionally. I was really tired, so I figured I'd lay down for a nap until I got hungry for dinner. I didn't wake up again until 2 am. At this point, I decided to just sleep on through until my waking up time of 6.30 am.

To me, the craziest thing about all this is that I still only got 11.5 hours of sleep. Somehow, it seems like going to bed at 7 pm should garner you some massive about of sleep, but it's just a little bit more than when I'd go to bed at midnight and wake up at 10 am. Grad school spoiled me in terms of my sleep schedule.

I was hoping for a productive evening last night; I'm trying to put up all the ultimate frisbee pictures I've taken this season (I'm putting them into my Picasa account so that ultimate friends can freely download them), and it takes a long time. I got some done last night, but I'll have to finish the rest tonight. Thankfully, I have another free evening, and I hope this day doesn't wear me out enough to head to bed so early again.

yay for Friday

1. Casualties this week at camp: one gouged forehead (required glue -- I guess stitches are no longer in vogue), lots of little scrapes, several headaches, and one finger intentionally stuck in a pedal boat chain (yeah, I can't believe that either)

2. Great news! This little baby is now completely and totally owned by meeeeeeee!

oh, yes. I did pay off my car this week. Yippee! And since I pay off my credit card every month (and am about to go make my monthly payment now), I can happily report that I have completed another goal: 54. Pay off my car/be debt free

3. I'm spending the weekend volunteering at an ultimate frisbee tournament in the area. It should be lots of sun and fun. In the spirit of my weekend, I'll share a picture I took at one of our Thursday night games:

Smarter than the average bear

I'm packing to move; I have to be out of my apartment by August 20th, and I'd like to get my stuff physically out the weekend before (I'm storing everything in a friend's garage until I personally move over Labor Day weekend). I know I'm packing a bit early, but I want to avoid being stressed out by everything. Plus, I'm shedding a lot of stuff as I pack, and it is good to give myself time to get rid of this stuff.

Today, I went down to the storage unit in the basement of our apartment complex to get out some rubbermaid bins I knew I stored down there last September. Turns out that I also stored a whole bunch of boxes from last time I moved! I know I didn't store every single box, but the extra six boxes I stored down there will go far. At this moment, July 08 Leah is supremely pleased with the foresight and brilliance of September 07 Leah.

The packing also reminds me of a maxim my father often recites: it is better to be lucky than be smart. I've already had many items that somehow just perfectly fit into the space left in the box. Due to my recent back problems, I'm trying to be smart in packing boxes (box labels say things like "books and sheets" or "clothes and bricks" -- okay, just kidding about the bricks), and being able to fit everything into a smaller number of boxes is also useful. I'm considering buying a little dolly to help me haul boxes around rather than lifting them, but I'm not sure about dolly utility given the small flight of stairs at my apartment complex and the potential for even more stairs at the place I'm moving.

In any case, the packing is going well. I'm pleased with my progress. I'm waiting to see how many boxes I end up with before deciding to get rid of my furniture (still on the fence about a piece or two), so I'm hoping to be mostly done with packing within two weeks, as that will give me another two weeks to determine what to do with everything that won't fit in the little trailer I rent from u-haul. By the way, the trailer is nowhere near as huge as it appears in the photo. Yikes!

Wall-E

I went to a later showing yesterday evening, but my tiredness today is totally worth it. Wall-E is an awesome movie about an adorable little robot and his life. Wall-E (Waste Allocation Load Lifter, Earth Class) lives on an earth populated by garbage and his one little cockroach buddy, and he spends day after day compressing and stacking the garbage into monumental skyscrapers. The movie concerns Wall-E and his wish for love and meaning amongst the massive consumer clutter that humans left behind when they sailed away from Earth.

The humans in the movie are also interesting. They've devolved to almost grub-like creatures that float on platforms, drink all their meals in a cup, and engage in activities (even talking!) via floating computer screens that constantly stay in front of their face. At one point in the movie, one of the ladies is jostled, and her computer screen disappears. She immediately notices her surroundings for seemingly the first time ever ("We have a pool?"). At one point, she sits at some outside windows and admires the stars. This dovetails well with the book I am currently reading: Last Child in the Woods: Saving our children from nature deficit disorder, which discusses the problem of children losing touch with nature (and hopefully addresses how to solve that -- I obviously haven't finished the book yet!).

I'll leave the plot explanations at that; I don't want to spoil any of the movie. Suffice to say that it is definitely wonderful and highly recommended. In addition to being well, the movie carries a message about earth stewardship that everyone should take to heart. If you go, make sure you get there in plenty of time; before the movie starts, there is a Pixar short about a rabbit and a magician that is probably the funniest short I've ever seen. The little film had me actually laughing out loud (a rare sight at movies -- I typically keep my laughter on the inside). Also, stay for the credits, as they're done in different art styles and are really quite wonderful.

PS I almost forgot this! I now have another goal in progress: 89. go to three movies by myself

Book Review: Losing It

For a book that I read so quickly (checked it out on Wednesday and finished it this morning), I didn't find Losing it, and gaining my life back one pound at a time to be all that awesome. It was good, but I'm glad that I'll be returning it to the library rather than having it sit on my shelf. The book is about the weight-loss journey of Valerie Bertinelli, a TV actress from some shows that I've never seen. She was also married to Eddie Van Halen for a number of years. I definitely think the book would be more interesting for people who had watched Bertinelli or actually know a Van Halen song.

I checked out the book after seeing it lauded somewhere -- internet? Newsweek? I'm not sure. In any case, I saw it recommended and decided to check it out. After all, I do struggle with my own weight, and I heard the book was a good examination of weight and how it influences a life. In many senses, this was true of the book -- it follows Bertinelli through her life, starting in her teens, and examines how she connected weight and circumstances in her life. I did identify with Bertinelli when she talked about her eating. She was a social, emotional, and unconscious eater. What particular resonated with me was one portion where she said that she ate when she was upset and when she was happy. If things were bad, she ate to drown her sorrows. If things were good, she ate because she was happy and with friends. I have the exact same problem, and I struggle regularly with addressing my emotions instead of just eating. Bertinelli also struggled with maintaining weightloss; she'd drop weight to be in a movie or show but gain the weight right back after filming was done.

For Bertinelli, her turning point was becoming a Jenny Craig spokeswoman. She also committed to becoming more conscious about her eating, and she began to journal instead of turning to food. Her major weight loss revelations are small ones: watch your portion sizes, don't eat to deal with emotions, and get some exercise in. For exercise, she participated in ten thousand steps of walking per day. If she did anything fancier, she certainly didn't tell us in the book.

In the end, I'm glad I read the book. It was simple written and easy to follow, so it's a great beach book. I think the book would be really cool for anyone who is a Van Halen fan or watched Bertinelli's shows. But definitely read it with the mindset of watching the whole journey and not just the miraculous weight-loss she goes through with Jenny Craig (that part only takes the last two chapters). The book is a true reflection of how difficult weight can be for some people, even when those people are famous and have plenty of money at their disposal. For those that struggle, losing weight is never a cakewalk.

Little Bits

1. I fired my physical therapist this week. I'm going to a new office next week (one recommended by a number of my friends that play ultimate with me). The office I was going to only had walk-in times available, and I'd often end up being there for 1.5 or 2 hours to have a half hour appointment. I also saw different therapists each time, and they gave me conflicting information about what I needed to be doing outside of PT. So no more of that, and I'm hoping this new place will be better for me. On the bright side, my initial problem (wicked shin splints) are much better thanks to all the stretching I've been doing.

2. It's been a scorcher for the last few days in Ann Arbor. 90F or thereabouts with plenty of humidity. I don't mind it, but it was really hot on the boat trip we took yesterday. For my job, my coworkers and I take our campers on a three mile trip down the river in canoes/kayaks. Thanks to the hot weather, a lot of kids get worn out kind of fast. My boat ended up towing a boat full of 4 smaller guys because our boat was last back and was tired of waiting for them to paddle faster.

3. This is a slow month for me in terms of the 101 things. I've been working on it a bit, but I'm not making a lot of progress. I've got more mental energy occupied by decluttering and preparing for my big move. On the bright side, I'm a bit ahead on the monthly tally, so I really only need to finish one or two goals this month.

4. I recently re-discovered Back to the Future. I know I liked the movies, and I remembered some of the plot lines. I'd apparently forgotten how truly awesome they are. I'm so happy that the trilogy is -- thus far -- standing up to the test of time. I wonder if they'll be enjoyable to my eventual future children.

5. Speaking of children, one of my friends here is pregnant. I'm super excited for her and her husband! Yay for babies.

"Improving" the body

One place where I have gotten good about spending money on myself is therapy, both physical and mental. This was a process too, and I initially had a hard time parting with copays. But I've come to see that improving myself is well worth the $200 and (gulp) almost $900 that I will have respectively spent in therapy offices by the end of the summer (that money represents the 6 weeks of physical therapy I foresee doing and the mental therapy I've been going to since last May).

Speaking of improving myself, I've found that it's a really good thing that I'm going to physical therapy. I initially started up because of shin splint issues; I was having a hard time running, and I wanted to learn some stretches to help me out. After being evaluated, I found out that I have some back misalignment issues that are tilting my pelvis and may very well be the cause of these shin issues. So now they're adjusting my back, and I'm starting to wish that a crampy shin was my only problem. The back adjustment is definitely painful.

Of course, I don't help out too much in the body department. I'm a bit of a klutz, and yesterday I managed to bruise my foot (dropped some paddles on it) and my cheekbone (watch that frisbee!). So the current tally is this:

- minorly sore calf
- bruised right foot
- bruised right cheekbone (tho I'm pretty sure you can't see it in the mirror, but I can feel it)
- really sore back

The worst part is that the back is limiting me from doing the stuff I love. I have been kayaking at work, but I can't give it my all because the twisting kills. Worse yet, I could only play a few points of frisbee last night. The bouncing of running up and down field became killer. I also felt wussy for spending so much time on the sideline.

In the long-run, I know this is worth it. I can't imagine getting older and having permanent back problems and pain that keep me from ever doing sports of outdoor activities. The hope is to fix this now and learn exercises and stretches that keep me strong and healthy. Of course, then, I have to do those stretches and exercises. I'm a bit lazy with stretching, so I've decided to come up with some personal motivation, and I'm mentioning it here so that I don't dilly-dally on this too much. I'm going to mark my stretching sessions on my calendar. After a month of stretching at least twice a day, I will allow myself to go buy a refurbished ipod nano. Then, I'll buy a nike+ chip so that I can start tracking my runs. I've wanted to do this for a long time, and this is just the motivation I need to keep me stretching and healthy.

Some cell phone pics

Cleaned off my cell phone today -- the memory was full from so many pictures! Thought I'd share a few here.

I forgot to take something out before my x-ray was taken:

Some of the little guys I take care of at the baby bird center (these are blue jays):

I miss Seattle:

My students and I made cells that glow in the dark thanks to the "green fluorescent protein":

Another way of learning to let it go

I don’t live paycheck to paycheck. In fact, I have what I personally consider to be a healthy savings account lined up. In my current lease, my savings account will pay for more than 6 months of living expenses (and more if push came to shove). I also typically add to that savings cushion each month. This is well within the cushion most experts recommend. I achieve this by monitoring my spending. I don’t usually drink, I limit my meals out to 1-2 per week, and I’m not an extravagant shopper. In fact, the vast majority of my recent clothing purchases have been at the Salvation Army (recent scores: two Patagonia capilene shirts for $3 each, several pairs of jeans for $5 each, and a cute top for $3.50). I cook a lot of food from scratch. I think it's fun to pay my bills with paychecks from last month (I'd go even further back, but I transfer most of my savings into a high-yield online savings account). All in all, I definitely save money well and enjoy doing so.

Despite my fairly frugal lifestyle that allows me a fair amount of "discretionary income", I still have a hard time spending money on a non-necessary purchase. The clothing purchases were all things that I needed (okay, the capilene shirts were for ultimate Frisbee – not technically needed, but it is a big part of keeping me healthy and ultimately saving me money), and going out to eat, either by myself or with friends, keeps me mentally fit. But when it comes to making larger purchases, I have a hard time biting the bullet. I hem and haw. I question whether or not I really need a wanted item. Will I use it? Is this really the best deal? Can I make due with something I have?

For example, it took me forever to finally buy a digital SLR. I worried about price points and lenses, and I had a hard time justifying the camera even when the zoom on my old camera broke (which, by the way, I’ve now fixed). I didn’t really need to buy the new camera. I finally decided to buy it when my parents gave me some money for graduation. My mom stipulated that I spend the money on something fun and enjoyable for me; she didn’t want it to sit in my bank account and be saved for something “practical.” (She is probably remembering the fate of my college graduation money which was used to pay the deposit and first month’s rent on my first apartment.) I used the money to buy my Nikon D40, and it has become my baby. I love that thing, and I take it with me almost everywhere. It has become a source of joy in my life, and I kick myself for not buying one earlier. In this case, it was a reasonable purchase: I already knew that I took lots of photos, I always enjoyed my old manual cameras, and I knew I wanted a better camera for taking photos at my ultimate Frisbee games. It just took the present from my mom to finally push me into spending some money on myself.

Now, I’m deliberating on another big purchase. I did buy a bike a few months ago, but I’m sad to say that I just don’t ride it. It’s rusty and heavy and not really a lot of fun to ride. I had intended to bike to work almost every day, and I have not been doing that (in my defense, I also have been struggling with some minor injuries that make me hesitant to engage in more physical exercise, but physical therapy is helping calm my shin splints and sore lower legs). I had intended to use this bike in Ann Arbor and then buy a new bike when I got to Minnesota. In speaking with a friend tonight, however, I think I should probably just buy a new bike here. In the long run, it won’t really be that hard to move a bike with me; it’s not like I don’t have other stuff to move too, and a bike is not a significant addition to my possessions.

I’m still a bit torn on this decision. Unlike the camera, I am not completely sure that I will love and use this bike. After all, I don’t use the bike I currently own. Then again, I rode a bike daily during the time I lived in the Netherlands, and I have no reason to believe that I wouldn’t embrace using a nice bike here in Ann Arbor (and upon my move to Michigan). I’ve priced bikes out, and I see one I really like at REI -- and much thanks to my friend Mark for actually finding it for me! This gives me an additional 10% off, as I have an REI credit card that returns dividends for my REI purchases, which would bring the bike price to $315 before tax.

In reality, this probably is quite a small number for something I am hoping to enjoy. Using the bike will result in savings on gas and less wear and tear on my car. It will also improve my fitness level. Yet still I am having a difficult time giving myself permission to get over the price tag and just go for it. At the very least, I’m making progress; I’m going to go to REI and check out the bike this weekend. And if I like it, I’m going to try really hard to just hand over my credit card and enjoy the purchase without worrying.

Regaining control

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

This phrase is hand-written on a small card that I carry around in my wallet every single day. Despite its ubiquity in my life, this is a lesson that I am still learning.

This past week, during my week off from work, I got a lot of tasks both big and small done. One of the major tasks was cleaning out my office at work. Over my two years at Michigan, I accumulated quite a lot of stuff there. Between textbooks, random office supplies, and class notes, I now have 5 boxes sitting in my car.

Of course, I threw away a lot of things too. This was difficult for me; I have a hard time letting go of anything that has memories attached to it, even if the memories were bad ones. But in cleaning out my office, I decided to embrace the above quote and let go of anything that only served to make me feel bad about myself. Into the recycle bin went notes from classes I didn’t enjoy and drafts upon drafts of grants I didn’t receive and essays my advisor disliked. Since I am now done with grad school, I no longer have a reason to keep any of those things. Speaking of being done with grad school . . .

While I consciously made the decision to leave grad school, I should be honest with my blog readers about one big fact: my former advisor also asked me to leave his lab and consequently the program. By the time he finally approached me about this, I had already decided to leave (mostly due to conflicts with my former advisor about expectations, direction, and research interests). Even though I am happy about my decision, being reminded about my former advisor and his lack of support still stings. Therefore, the most important thing I recycled was the sheet of comments from him about my progress in the program. In a previous time, I would have saved this “for posterity.” After all, that sheet of comments does, in some way, represent where I’ve been. But as I came across the sheet while cleaning up my office, I realized that the comments only serve to make me feel awful about myself. They are not a true reflection of the person I know myself to be, and keeping the comments was allowing them to have power over me; I allowed the comments to make me feel inferior. By getting rid of the hurtful comments, I am taking away permission for those comments to make me feel inferior. I am now one step closer to healing and moving past the negative aspects of my grad school experience.

It is important to recognize that this is a process. I doubt I will ever reach a point where negative comments or sad memories cannot pierce my impenetrable armor. In fact, I don’t mind being a little soft; it’s part of being a perceptive human. But I am working toward a space where I acknowledge negativity, understand it, and move on with life without letting the negativity bring down the person I know I truly am.