penn

You don't have to be a superlative

I read some recent advise along the lines of "you don't have to know every single song to like a band." This really resonated with me, and I've been mulling it over for the last month or so since I heard that. I've been meaning to write this post for weeks. After much thought, it hit me that you don't have to be a superlative (and definitely not all the time).

Years ago, I bought some "superlative" forever stamps. I love stamps, so I rotate through a lot of options, and I just used the last one recently. The stamps featured such items as "longest bridge," "biggest lake," etc. Superlatives are exaggerated statements, but the term can also be used to refer to something like being the best. Trying hard is important, but the quest to be the best can often be a dangerous one. After all, only one person gets to be the best. And what of the rest of us?

I have been working hard to seek balance in my life. In addition to letting go of the competition with others (a lifelong quest), I'm also trying hard not to push myself to exhaustion in all arenas. Trying to be the best mom, wife, teacher, and self is an unwinnable quest. This winter, I was bringing home work each night while trying to fit in quality time with my kids, time with the husband, and a little me time. Most nights, I didn't do well on any frontier because I tried to do everything.

Over spring break, I took a lot of time to myself. I also spent time preparing classes for spring, mostly so that I wouldn't be planning day to day. Leaving my computer at work has been really freeing. As I walk out the door, I mentally say goodbye to work. Sometimes I think of work in the evening; it's hard to shut the teacher brain off.

The lesson of balance is one I will have to continually practice; this is harder than just letting things flow. But I like the permission to let go and be me. The original advise -- to like what you like, on your own terms -- is great. And the extension, too: you are fine just being yourself. Be a mom the way that works for you. Be a wife the way that works for you. This doesn't mean to be lazy; effort is still important. However, know that it is okay to decide that you have put in enough effort, and you may now put down your load.

Common Humanity

I'm reading this fabulous book by Brené Brown called Braving the Wilderness. I'm only a chapter in, and I'm already finding so many fabulous ideas that resonate with me. She spend a lot of time talking about belonging. On the page I'm reading, she says that people are concerned about how fear and anger are the only thing binding people together these days; people are increasingly unable to be bound together by our common humanity. "They reported feeling more afraid to disagree or debate with friends, colleagues, and family because of the lack of civility and tolerance."

Common humanity is the phrase that jumps out to me. Brown goes on to say that common humanity can lead us to recognize "Yes, we are different in many ways, but under it all we're deeply connected." And I see this over, and over, and over again: in the town I live in, when I read online, the comments section (ugh), and even in high political offices. The lack of ability to see the humanity in another person makes me cry, internally, for the future of our country.

As a teacher, I personally feel like teaching has taught me to recognize the humanity in all my students. Even in my difficult or challenging students, I work to see them as a person. To me, this makes the teaching easier; can I reach them on a level where we can both connect? I have found that it is easier to connect with students when I look at each day with fresh eyes -- forgetting any conflict from yesterday -- and work to treat my students as a human and not simply as a body in my classroom or, worse yet, an annoyance.

Recently, some school teachers in Idaho made the troubling decision to dress as a wall (yes, that wall) for Halloween. There's more; feel free to read the article. (side note: yes, I linked Fox news, because if even they find this newsworthy, that's notable.). Some dressed as the wall in American costumes, and others dressed up in Mexican stereotypes with sombreros and ponchos. Ten percent of their students are Hispanic/Latinx, and I am saddened by the implications of their choice. Do they think immigrants harm our country? How can you teach students when you feel they should not be here and don't share in your humanity?

We can certainly have conversations about immigration. How much is a sustainable level for our country? What is the role of immigrants in our country? Do we have jobs that have a hard time finding citizens to work them? Can we find a way to import workers for part of the year, safely and legally, and then let them safely return? How do we make sure immigrants become working members of our society? Can we use those skills to also help those citizens in our society who live in poverty and struggle to fully be part of our society? I was reminded in another news story I heard that society is not homogeneous in our country; the reporter was in a park where preschoolers were playing while drug addicts shot up on a park bench. (Another place where we struggle to see the humanity in others, but that's for another post).

There are so many good, worthy questions to tackle in order to "fix" immigration. But if the answer for some people to every question is "they are not us, so they are not as worthy as us or as human as us, therefore they are not allowed in," then there is no place to meet in the middle. Denying the humanity in others leaves us no middle ground to search for concordance.

Today, I encourage you to look for the humanity in someone else. For me, it's trying to see through the fear to the man who lives on the corner down the street from me. He is angry, deep down. He puts up inflammatory political signs, and I don't think he sees the humanity in anyone who doesn't agree with him. How can I work to see the humanity in him? I find his corner so repulsive that I'm not there yet, but that's where I am working on being my own best self.

Carpe Diem Musings

There's a common piece of life for carpe diem, or embracing the day, that goes something like this: live each day as if it were your last. And, you know, that advice really strikes a nerve in me. I do not like that saying.

There's lots of things I find enjoyment in that I sure as heck wouldn't do if it were my last day on earth. For example, I've come to really enjoy sewing. I like the challenge of learning new patterns and the satisfaction from making a completed item from a piece of fabric. Recent conquests include a pillowcase and a tote bag for library books. But sewing is a hobby necessarily focused on the future, where today's work means tomorrow's gain. Not something I'd do if I knew the world (or simply my world) were ending. I also enjoy doing art, but that's again something that, while fun in the moment, is also more satisfying over time. Running is another hobby that isn't even very satisfying in the moment for me, but I enjoy going for a run because I know it will pay dividends over time. And how can I move on without mentioning work? I generally enjoy and appreciate my work, and I derive satisfaction from a good lesson. But work is still a means to an end (the paycheck) and not something I'd do on my last day ever.

I'm not sure what I'd chose to do on my last day. Go for a walk, for sure. Walks are something I find calming and enjoyable almost all of the time. I love to soak in nature, people watch, and feel the strength and movement of my body. These past few days, we've been visiting people in less-than-walkable neighborhoods, and I'm definitely feeling the lack of movement in my body and my soul. I'd also just spend time being close to the people I love in this world.

Through my mother's illness, it was easy for some family members to criticize how she spent her time. I myself would get frustrated when she slept away days and devoured entire seasons of shows on Netflix. But she never did know which day was her last, and she had lost the drive to produce for the future. She did take some time to square away her retirement accounts, and she also went through some boxes of pictures to label them for us. However, she left a lot of unfinished business as well and a lot of sorting that I've been doing and will likely continue to do for quite awhile.

I know the advice truly is trying to get at doing enjoyable things and not wasting our time on frivolity or pursuits we don't enjoy. And, truly, at the core, that is a good message. Maybe I should think more on that. I certainly spend more time than I'd like checking netflix or playing games I don't care about rather than engaging in the things I do love.

Still, in the dark of night, I think a lot about death these days. It's been really hard losing my mom, both for her loss and the constant reminder that I too will die one day. Hearing those inspirational messages, no matter how well intended, are another jerk to reality. This one particularly annoys me since I cannot really spend each day like it's my last, since having future days means preparation and planning.

What do my readers still think? I know there are a few of you out there. What are your thoughts on this phrase? Are there any inspirational messages that bother you?

On confidentiality

I realize it's been awhile since I've blogged. I'd really like to get back into it, and I've spent some time thinking about why I haven't blogged and why I'd like to do so. I really enjoy writing; getting my thoughts out is cathartic, and I appreciate the small community of people who read my blog. I do like adding pictures too, but it takes so much more time that I rarely get around to it.

On the flip side, it's hard to write when I have a big thing that must be kept private. In my case, my mom was quite ill with cancer for a year and a half. She swore us to secrecy when she was diagnosed. I told a few friends at work/in the area, but it even took me awhile to tell my high school friends. My mom didn't enjoy having her "dirt laundry" aired in public.

She passed away last summer. We are fairly sure she had the same cancer that killed my grandmother and my great-grandmother, so I've already been screened once and will be sure to be extra vigilant about screening as I age.

It was hard to deal with pretty much everything throughout this. I think I shut down a lot to keep from emoting all over the place. Some days are still hard. Even when you know something is coming, it is a challenge to prepare oneself for such a great loss as the loss of a mother. The person who grew me is no longer here to watch me grow.

The other thing that makes me hesitate when blogging is the privacy of my kids. I do enjoy writing about my family, and I am trying to remember these fleeting moments of young childhood. They seem to stretch before me right now in a chain of never enough sleep and always more to do than time, but I know this will go fast. In my own life, each year means that my young years become a smaller portion of my life and of my interactions with my family. So, I'd like to remember, but I also don't want to write memories that later become an embarrassment or fodder for harassment for my children.

I'll feel things out as I go. I hope I can blog more; I think of cool blog posts all the time. We'll see how it goes.

Time creep

It is so easy to feel lazy these days when we can easily see everything our friends are doing on social media. I often get to the ends of weekends and think about all the things I haven't done. Even this weekend is prone to those sorts of feelings, and here's a run down of what I did:

Friday night bed at 7 pm with the little dude (yes! exhausting week of staying up late due to the feelings mentioned above of never getting stuff done, plus he and I are both fighting a cold that just won't quit). And this is where I add a side note: I fell off the blogging bandwagon so I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but I grew a second human! He's a year old now and completely fabulous. His name is Paul. We are smitten.

Saturday: taught morning science exploration time with a coworker for a bunch of middle schoolers, hung out with my kids, went on a long family walk (2 or 3 miles?), grilled for dinner, practiced videoconferencing with my cousin, and enjoyed snuggle time with both my kids at bedtime. Oh, and taped 30 minutes of video lectures for my students so class time can be spent on discussion, exploring, and questions.

Sunday: Matt left early for a 5k, so I got both kids up and ready and out the door to the zoo by 9:45 (a big deal since Julie, the 3.5 year old, sleeps in), enjoyed a day at the zoo, went to Target with Julie to look for a second carseat for her, had a virtual baby shower for my brother and sister in law (hence the videoconferencing) with our extended Penn family (not my actual last name but the part of my family I am closest too, hence my blog name), bedtime snuggles with both kids, and now folding laundry.

And here I was bumming about all the grading I didn't do this weekend, or lesson planning, or cleaning my office, or working on a big sewing project I'm part way through . . . but now I am feeling accomplished.

So, you're having a baby: diapers (and wipes)

One of the earliest things you'll need with your baby are diapers. Well, and a car seat (coming soon!). The hospital will likely provide diapers. Our hospital provided pampers swaddlers, and they were definitely nice in the newborn stage. I really appreciated the cutout for the umbilical cord. They're soft and cozy.

We went with a strategy of "mama inputs" and "daddy outputs," since I was nursing. It was great. I didn't have to change diapers often, especially in the early days.

Many people like to buy diapers in advance in order to stock up during sales. If you've got room, this is a good possible strategy. But pay attention to sensitivities on both sides of your family. Does anyone have sensitive skin? Some friends of ours had kids who broke out in rashes and had to switch to other types of diapers.

Plus, there's actually a myriad of options from cloth to totally not eco-friendly. We chose something in the spectrum of "disposable but fairly eco-friendly" (tho anything you're throwing into a landfill isn't technically fully eco-friendly). Were I a single or stay-at-home mom, I would have cloth diapered. But I am in a partnership with my husband, and his opinion mattered too. I had little luck convincing him to cloth diaper. With our first, I hauled out my couple cloth diapers on the weekend and would occasionally use them. They were fine, and I think cloth diapering isn't a big deal, but it was too much to take on all by myself. With my second, I haven't bothered despite, again, not minding them at all. If you'd like to cloth diaper, email me (lapenn at that ubiquitous email service by google), and I'll send you tips that a friend emailed me.

We chose to go with Earth's Best Diapers. Being chlorine free and made with renewables is important to me. As far as I can tell, there's not much (any?) plastic in them either. We didn't personally like Honest Company diapers, tho many do.

Baby Gear Lab has a really comprehensive article about picking diapers. We've enjoyed the Kirkland Costco ones in the past when being price conscious. Their article has me wanting to check out babyganics and 7th generation again. We found 7th generation to be fine but not perfect with our first, and we've been fairly autopilot with number two. We have also used Target diapers from time to time; again, they're fine, but we prefer Earth's Best.

If you live in a bigger metro area, odds are good that you have a diaper service. If you're interested in cloth diapering, that would be worth checking out.

How to buy diapers

More important than what to buy, almost, is how to buy. This will only work with some options, but it's what we do. We don't mess around with coupons because we don't use a big name brand (though I will check Cartwheel if I have to buy diapers in-store). We use Target's Subscribe & Save. You can also do a similar service through Amazon. We went with Target for two reasons: 1) we have a red card and 2) Amazon's price on items can change depending on supply and demand, and I didn't want to get hit with a random high price for diapers right as we were getting a subscription order.

For subscribe and save through Target, you can pick your size and frequency of shipment. You get 5% off with the red card and another 5% off with S&S, so I would only do this with the red card to get the best discount. They send an email about a week before shipping, so you can delay your shipment or pick a different size when needed. I only did this near the end with our first, and I wish I'd started earlier for the savings; it's not as complicated as I imagined. With our second, we have one case of diapers we have to return because he grew out of them. Otherwise, it's been good, and we have a stockpile of the next size up.

I think we used about 2 cases of size one. We used 3 cases of size 2 for sure. We bought newborn diapers on demand, as our little dude wasn't in them long.

Wipes
I have even stronger opinions about wipes. You want something that cleans without being soapy. I've done a mix of options:

• cloth wipes! I love these for the pee diapers. It was my compromise with not having cloth diapers. I keep a spray bottle of just water only (don't be putting tea tree oil on little boys!) because that's enough to clean. I spray the wipe with water, do the wiping, use a dry corner to dry the baby, and then put into a wet bag to wash later. I really like this because my babies end up with rashes if their skin is left wet too long. This method results in a nice, dry diaper area.
• Target brand wipes are fabulous. Not too soapy and the right compromise between thick and thin. This is usually what we use.
• We did not like Earth's best wipes -- too soapy. And we don't like anything scented, mostly because there's no reason to be putting scented chemicals on your baby's bottom when you have the option not to.

Swim diapers One last thing I feel strongly about: reusable is FABULOUS in the swim diaper range. Disposable swim diapers really just fill up with pool water. Okay, reusable ones do too. But we've had such good luck with reusable ones, and they've saved us money since we like to swim. There's lots of brands out there with snaps and such (worth checking out), but we just went with the option I found at Target when I first realized there were cloth swim diapers. They're swim diapers by iplay. They've held plenty of urine and even poop for us with no leakage of the poop. We wash and then hang-dry to maintain quality. You'll want to check before removing for poop so you can remove carefully, but we've rarely found poop to be an issue.

So, there's my peace about diapers and wipes. Buy Target brand wipes by the case, in bulk, when there's a Cartwheel deal better than 5% off. And put 24 of those flannel reusable wipes on your registry along with a wet bag. Actually, get multiple wet bags (as in, 4-6). They're great for: wet swimsuits post-lesson (and those swim diapers), dirty clothes in the diaper bag, pump parts from work to home, and likely even more. I've used every wet bag we've gotten.

So, you're having a baby: the introduction

A good friend of mine is having a baby. I started to email her some tips, and I soon realized the email was going to be long. Way long. I decided to move to the blog, both for ease of formatting and to break up the information. And, honestly, so I have a more permanent place for this information and can easily share the posts in the future. As I add more posts, I will link up to them at the bottom of this one.

My qualifications: current mom of a three year old and a 7 month old.

First: congrats! You will go through periods of excitement and periods of "what have I done with my life?" If you have any lingering projects that will take in the 5-20 hours neighborhood to complete, I highly recommend getting them done now. Yes, you're tired and worn out from gestating and nesting. But I promise that you won't have this level of personal time for years to come.

second: wear maternity clothes whenever you darn well feel like it. You don't have to be showing to wear them. It's okay to wear them as soon as you feel comfortable. Some people like bridge maternity clothes, which are still fairly form fitting but have some give, and then they move into the full belly panel stuff later. You do you. I held out with my first and had a month or so of discomfort in trying to cram into my old clothes. I moved over sooner with my second and was happier for it. If you don't want to buy bridge clothes, you can also wear a lot of dresses.

For maternity clothes, I first recommend seeking used options. Consignment stores are a great way to do this (and thrift stores to a lesser extent -- maternity clothes are really hit or miss when thrifting depending on the area your thrift store draws from). If you're into online shopping, Bellies to Babies is my favorite. It's based in Minnesota, but you can shop from anywhere.

Some pro-tips with maternity clothes:

• purchase shirts in longer lengths, so they'll cover your belly for longer. You will likely need those long shirts by the end


• Nice to have some options that will work for nursing, but you'll also be so ready to be out of the clothes by the end. We'll cover nursing later


• Buy for comfort

As I continue through this series, I will cover what we've done and what I wish, in hindsight, we had done. There's some things that make a lot more sense to buy with your first so you can enjoy using it for longer periods of time, but it's so hard to justify pricey items when you are outfitting yourself with all the baby gear.

One last thing before I'm out: Baby Gear Lab is a comprehensive resource for comparing baby items, and I highly recommend checking it out.

Other posts in this series:
Diapers and Wipes

Time

There's never enough time in the world, it seems. Always slipping past like (insert your favorite slippery animal here). And that's been all too evident to me recently. Some of it is our daughter growing up; she's three now and so much her own self. We also had a little boy this spring, which I should write about sometime. And as a counterpoint to the new life in our little guy, my mother passed away when he was two months old.

She had cancer. As cancers go, it was considered aggressive, though I suppose it could have been worse. She was diagnosed a year and a half before she passed away. I decided to make the best of the time we had left. For, of course, tempus fugit, and each season turns to the next before too long. And I did.

I am sad about my mother's passing, of course. One of the hardest weeks of my life was sitting in the hospital room with her during her last week. The women who heard my first sounds not being part of my life is a challenge. But the silver lining is knowing that I made the most of the time we did have, and I am happy to say that I did embrace the flow of time and seemed to slow it somewhat.

Soon after she was diagnosed, Julie and I flew out to see her for a week. She was still strong and able to play thought tired from treatment. We also spent three weeks with her over the summer plus another week at her cottage. The cottage is a family property located on a lake in Upper Michigan. My mom would go to this lake every summer as a kid, albeit in rental. She'd always wanted to own there. She achieved her dream three years ago. And, again, she had not enough time at a place she loved. But we had a wonderful time playing there last summer, and Julie has a few videos and lots of pictures with her and her beloved Nana.

We also did Christmas right. That was my mom's favorite holiday. All three of her kids were home, and we made lots of traditional family recipes.

And, finally, the month at my house along with a week again with her at the cottage. My most abiding memory, other than time snuggling my little dude, is watching Gone with the Wind with her. My mom loved watching classic movies, and this is one she'd always meant to show me. We got that time. Perhaps we stole that time? It's hard to think in eloquence and metaphors about a topic that is still so raw for me. I also took a lot of pictures of how much Nana loved her new grandson so I can show him when he is older. Julie will remember little bits and pieces; she still talks about Nana recently and about how much she misses her.

I am glad both my kids got to meet their Nana. I narrowly missed meeting one set of my grandparents (my mother's parents); they died a month and three months before I was born, and it's always been a sorrow for me. My mom was so happy she made it to our son's birth.

Time slips, flies, flows, goes. We can try to embrace it, but time will still move on. Still, best to make the best of the time we do have. My summer is helping me see that and reevaluate how I spend my own fleeting time.

Reflections on a new place to live

We moved in late June to a new apartment. Our previous apartment was almost 100 years old and lovely: hard wood floors, deep windowsills, radiators, built-ins, and crown molding. There were also space issues (small/no closets), lead paint issues, and who knows what was going on with the pipes. In the winter, we'd always get hot water before cold from the taps. I presume this is because the radiator and water lines were near each other. Oh, and the radiators controlled the whole building with a thermostat in the hall, so our temperatures would fluctuate between 60 and 80F. Still, we loved our little place. It was cozy and lovely. The hard wood floors were amazing, especially since they'd been covered by carpet for quite awhile and thus were still in great shape.

However, our apartment was just two bedrooms and one bathroom, and space was getting tight. I haven't blogged about it, but we added a second child this past spring (a boy named Paul). We just weren't fitting well for a whole variety of reasons. We could have made it work, but we were given the opportunity to upgrade. We are now in completely new construction with four bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms. To be honest, that's about one bathroom too many, but that's better than one bathroom too few.

I've noticed some interesting things since moving, which is why I want to write. First, laundry has become more challenging. Previously, we had laundry in our kitchen, and I loved doing laundry. It was so easy. I could hear the machine from anywhere in the apartment, so it was simple to know when to switch a load. Everything in the apartment was, gosh, maybe 20 steps away? I'm not sure, but whenever I needed to add steps at the end of the night, I had to do an entire lap of the apartment to get 100 steps. I could grab laundry, throw it on our bed, fold quickly and put right away. Now, our apartment is three levels when you consider our basement laundry. I do a lot of going up and down stairs, and I can't hear the machine running. I have started using the timer on my phone to remind me to go get loads. Laundry doesn't bother me, and I don't mind doing it, but it's not as simple as it used to be.

Another thing is trying to figure out where to put jackets. Our bedroom was steps away from the front entryway, so we had outdoor jackets in the entryway and things like cardigans hanging up in our closet. Again, I'm doing a lot of stairs now as I run upstairs last second to grab a cardigan before heading to school. Ditto on shoes; I'm actually getting close to just putting all our shoes in the front closet, since we don't wear shoes unless we're moving the house. I don't think I have space for all the cardigans and shoes, but we'll see as I reshuffle.

We also have a lot of stuff. I have no idea how we fit it in a smaller space. We did get a few new things, like a second desk and a second bookshelf. But, mostly, we've just unpacked what we had. We do have more floor space now. I am working on finding a place for everything, and then my next goal will be to start parting with items.

On the whole, I like our new place. It's good to spread out and be able to take stock; we definitely didn't have room to declutter before, which is perhaps how we still own so much. But on nights like tonight where I'm cleaning and doing laundry while running up and down the stairs, I get nostalgic for our tiny spot.

A little sparkle

Recently, I received a new tube of lotion from Burt's Bees. In general, I like the lotion, tho it sometimes feels a bit too twee. It's made from royal jelly, and there's a whole description of how it helps your skin.

In related news, I've been really tired recently. Lots going on at work and in my personal life combined with holiday travel and sleeping in a not-so-comfortable bed have hit me like a truck. My toddler uncharacteristically waking up at 4.15 am on the first day back from break didn't help. All this has culminated in me feeling quite zombie-like as I attempt to teach today to kids still stir-crazy from their vacation.

Back to the lotion: the truly interesting part is that it also includes little flecks of mica to improve your "radiance." So, today, I keep noticing that my skin looks really glittery and doing a double take before remembering the new lotion.

By the afternoon, the flecks have worn off on my arms. But I am trying appreciate the hidden and subtle sparkles that lies beneath my clothes thanks to the lotion. It's a nice counterpoint to the tiredness I feel. Despite desperately needing more sleep (and another few days to be more prepared for this term), I still have a little shine left.